These are the days.
These are days you'll remember.

I don't think I made myself clear, when I made this list.  I don't think I perhaps ever make myself clear.  I'm sorry for that.  I wish I could - the truth is that when it's not shyness that stops my mouth, it's that I have only begun to understand what I need and why, and I could as little explain it to you fully as I could sail across the Pacific on my own.  I've never been here before, done this before.  I have never tried to correct myself the way I'm doing now.  I have always found abundant fault with myself, but I have never believed before that it was possible for me to change.

Never before and never since
I promise
Will the whole world be warm as this
And as you feel it, you'll know it's true
That you
Are blessed and lucky

But you believe that, don't you?  You believe in me.  To a degree that I am unable to render into words, I think... you believe in me.  You sincerely believe, not only that I am worth the trouble, worth the effort, worth the vexation and irritation and heartache and stress and nonsense that accompanies every day in my presence, you believe... that it can get better.  That I can improve.  That how I am now does not have to doom everything I am and everything I will ever try to do.

It's true
That you
Are touched by something
That will grow and bloom
In you

It's such a foreign thought to me that it's impossible to internalize.  I know that you believe it.  I see it in your eyes.  If I didn't know it, I couldn't do this, not any part of it.  But I can't know why.  I can't begin to understand why anyone - why YOU, of all people - would invest what time and energy you have to spare in this.  I cannot begin to imagine what return it might have.  I cannot begin to hope that I will ever reward your patience, your tenderness, your faith, your strength. 

These are days you'll remember
When May is rushing over you 

But because you believe that I will do all those things, because you believe that I can... I will trust you.  There's a spark of protest in me that says that is weakness - to believe it on the strength of your belief.  But that's the thing, magician.  When you can't walk, you crawl.  And when you can't do that... you find someone to carry you.  I don't want you to have to carry me... but I won't say that I don't need someone to lean on while I limp, for a while.

With desire
To be part of the miracles you see
In every hour

I am more of a fool than you can ever know.  I am such a fool that I can listen to wise people, people who have taught you to be someone I love, someone I respect, someone I am prepared as I never have been before to submit my will and wit to... I can listen to these people, and some part of me still scoffs and insists that it's square, it's played, it's cliched and too mainstream to BEHAVE LIKE A HUMAN FUCKING BEING.  Some small part of me still twitches and tries to laugh it off when people are open with each other, willing to take guidance from each other - when people try to be GOOD to one another.  Some small - and it is vanishingly small, but I cannot deny it is there - part of me still thinks the "cool" thing to do is to swallow everything I experience, and treat the people I love with cold amusement and wry detachment.  I have spent all my life rebelling against this and yet, when people try to reach out to me as they did today, I still retreat.

You'll know it's true
That you are blessed and lucky
  
I should have amended the list of sins I enumerated when we first spoke.  If I could rewrite it now, I would be sure to mention how cynical I can be, how jaded, how utterly unwilling to accept my own worth or any possibility of value on the part of anyone else.  I would make sure to warn you how selfish I can be, how unable to step outside my own perspective, how ridiculously certain of my own accuracy I am at times, how unwilling to listen to correction.  I would absolutely lay bare my habit of stomping on other people's fun when I think they're wrong, and my way of shutting you down when I don't have all the information, and my sinking, swallowing certainty that things will go wrong and therefore I have the right to pass judgment on any attempt to gainsay that.  I would make sure you knew how difficult I am, how egotistical, how lazy, how reactionary, how bloodymindedly certain of my own damned foolishness.

It's true
That you are touched by something
That will grow and bloom in you.

Y'know what, though?  I could add to that list now.  Because spelling out my sins gives me the strength to cop to my saving graces.  Because if you can see and forgive the worst of me, somehow I can see some of the best.  I could add that I really do honestly care about other people, even the people I've never met.  I care about their right to contribute to a conversation.  I care about not harming their chances or their fun.  I care about what they have to say.  I could tell you that I am starting to learn to see when I'm making a mistake.  To stop myself... that, I'm working on.  But I can see when it's done.

These are days you might fill with laughter
Until you break
These days you might feel a shaft of light
Make its way across your face

That's the part I need help with.  That's the part I need you to be a crutch for, sometimes - to help me limp to where I should be.  The stopping myself.  I know when I'm wrong - by god, I really, really do know how wrong I am sometimes.  But I cannot bring myself to correct it, to take it back, to make it better.  Not on my own.  I need help with that.  I need someone to check me, to hush me, to punish me even.  Because there has never been a reason before.  There has never been anything to strive for, before.  There has never been hope before... not hope like that you make me feel, by believing in me.

And when you do
You'll know how it was meant to be
See the signs and know their meaning
It's true
You'll know how it was meant to be
Hear the signs and know they're speaking to you.