Today has been... very hard. Not because any one thing was bad, but because seemingly one thing from every single aspect of my life went bad. Each and every thing I tried to do today, I did wrong. Everything I got done today was in the nature of damage control. All the thinking I could do today was stressing about my mistakes.
And I'm tired of being the one to hold it all. I'm tired of being strong. I want a mentor, a leader, a dinh. I want to be able to have such unrelenting faith in someone's strength that I'm willing and able to give up all of my worries into their hands, and be willing to accept their judgment and their solution without hesitation or question.
I don't know if I'll ever find one. Maybe this is something I'll have to live without. Is this what it means to be strong? To never, ever be able to trust that someone else will do the job right? To never, ever be able to give people the confidence they deserve, because you're so used to being let down? To believe that it's better to take on more than you can handle, and fail, than to ask for anyone else's help, because then if something goes wrong, at least you'll only have yourself to blame?
I don't want that life!
I don't want to be her!
I don't know how to not be.
So many people depend on me, and I can't make myself abdicate because I can't find in me the belief that anyone else can pick up my burdens. And because I don't have that confidence in people, people don't prove me wrong. I think that they'll let me down, and so they do. I think that they can't do things, and so they don't try. And before too long it'll be me, balancing plate on cup on fork on the tip of my little finger, piling on one thing after another because my myopic fear has driven all of the people who could help me away, and it'll all fall. All at once. Everything will fail.
I had a taste of how that would be today.
And I don't know how to fix this. I don't know how to let go. I don't know how to let things fail, or how to accept that I do. I don't know how to give my burdens to anyone else, and I don't know how to deal with it if they can't carry them. And because I am this way, there's no one to tell me how not to be.
I want to scream. I want to break down. I want to fall and let all of the failures come at once so at least I wouldn't have to struggle like this anymore! At least no one would look to me anymore, no one would ask me for help, no one would depend on me and so that would be the last time I let anyone down.
I can't.
I can't believe, I can't have faith, I can't have hope. All I have is strength. Just this, the strength of my own shoulders, the knowledge of how much I can bear. As long as I can bear just a little more, just a little more... how can I justify letting everything that's important to me balance on something so immeasurable and ephemeral as belief, as faith, as hope?
I can't.
Labels: Stress
