She was born to be the woman I would know
And hold like a breeze
Half as tight as both our eyes closed.
For the first time, in this place, I am speaking to no one. I hear my voice fall flat in this garden, sink into the numb earth and drown, forgotten.
Since ever I began writing this way, in this declamatory fashion, I had a vision of a small, familiar court of listeners, composed of those I loved in life and fiction, each and every soul of every description who held some power over me. One by one, that court melted away while I wasn't looking. Now I speak and I hear myself echo.
Ananias is pinned to the page by my words, no longer alive in my head. He has told his story and has nothing more to say.
Procell and Adsartha are silenced by circumstance, their mute eyes no longer even opening at the sound of my voice.
Who else would I have found here once? Who else did I speak to, or speak around, knowing that sooner or later they would stumble upon it? Like leaving notes on the path, I led my loved ones on a hunt to find them, and took comfort in knowing that however long it took, my whispers would eventually reach a welcoming ear.
Now these words are only read when I sit a person down on purpose and make it so. No more hunts, no more floating thoughts suspended for months and made richer by the wait, no more quiet surprises when you, or you, or you read your name by my hand months after I've spoken of you, with reverence or with pain. No more bites on my line, though I string it with love and bait it with honesty. The lake is dry, perhaps. The wellspring is gone.
I miss you all. I miss your voices in my head. I miss your faithfulness and your hope, knowing that it might take me an age but I would be back here, always back here, whispering again. During which long silence might I have spoken the word that held you?
My ka-tet... was it ka drew you away? Did I miss it? Is there somewhere I should be?
Who's seen Jezebel
She was gone before I ever got to say
"Lay here, my love
You're the only shape I'll pray to, Jezebel..."
Labels: Aaron, Brendon, Brian, Brock, Jeremy, Katrina, Missing You, Sara, You
