I go wild
'Cause you break me open
Wild
'Cause you left me here
I go wild

Shaking.  Shaking, shaking with need.  Everything in me is loose of its mooring, everything is snapping in a high wind, apt at any moment to catch you in the eye, strike weals onto your skin... or mine.  I am too irreverent, too selfish, too controlling to ever live as someone else's slave, to ever make kneeling a way of life... but at moments like this, I want to.  Not for the reasons I once did, in extremity, aching to surrender my burdens, no.  But because... god, it's hard to put into words even here, in this garden, in this silence, where I have always been painfully honest.

Wild because the chips are down
Wild because there isn't anybody else around
Wild when the waves start to break
And god, it's breaking in me now

Because this week has been so strange, so devastating in its quiet way.  Because each day I wake feeling like every smile, every movement, every word I say is a shivering skin over a howling hell, a kind of reactive, twitching madness like I haven't felt since I was a teenager.  I remember becoming fixated upon an empty picture-frame, the way it tugged at my eye and mind, irresistible and endlessly empty.  I remember weeping for the love of people who didn't exist.  I remember this - I haven't the word for it.  It feels like wrath, roaring and nonspecific, casting around for the nearest target.  It feels like joy, the kind that makes you scream.  It feels like hatred, deadly particular.

Wild because it doesn't make sense
For me to cry out in my own defense
Wild because I would do anything
To tear you off your precious fence.

I remember how badly I wanted to hit the tree, and how badly it hurt.  I remember the relentless, clear-eyed rage that made me not want to stop.  I remember the choked sounds, cut-short screams, when I did it.  I remember how the waves subsided for a moment, how for a moment there was just pain, simple and clean, easy to sob out and wash away.  How the tide kept coming back as the pain died down... and how I beat it away with my fists again.

So this is what it's like living in limbo
First I'm high, then I'm solo
I go wild
'Cause you break me open, wild
'Cause you left me here
I go wild 'cause your promises are broken
Wild when I know you're near

Like Cu Chulainn fighting the sea, beating the tides back.  I wish I could say I was ashamed.  I wish I could say that I walked back home thinking how stupid I was, thinking how it was over and it didn't need to happen again.  I didn't.  I walked back home with my hand trembling uncontrollably, unable to make a fist, and I felt sated, satisfied.  I felt quiet inside, in control.

Tell me what you've come for
Moving like a hunter through my back door
Leaving the perfume of all you adore
To die nameless on my floor

Is it self-destructive to know that something's wrong with you and not have any desire to fix it?  Is it self-destructive to have a problem and not want to talk about it?  I've spent so many years struggling with myself, stamping out inappropriate impulses and reactions, teaching myself to be rational and reasonable to a very fault, refusing to permit jealousy and self-absorption and resentment to breed within me.  And now I'm... bored.

Yeah well, we both know that you don't play fair
I guess you really think that you get me there
Let's be honest, perhaps this little ride
Is too much for even you to bear.

I'm bored with controlling myself.  I'm bored with behaving myself.  I'm bored with attempting to measure up, I'm bored with allowing others to call the tune and set the standards, and I'm bored with trying to solve problems before they arise.  I want to drink whiskey, punch trees, write and sing and kneel at your feet.  I want to do as I'm told and be proud of what I do for the first time in my life.

You've got a lot of nerve to come back here.
You're not the only one who can smell fear.

So give me orders, and I'll fulfill them.  Force me to my knees and I'll be happy there.  Praise me for my efforts and I'll try harder.  Be good to me and I'll be yours.  I've always known that no one rules a man like his perfect slave.  If you know it too... if you repay my obedience with devotion, there's no limit to what I will do for you.