Most of the time altruism looks idiotic to me. Self-interest is a biological imperative; it's not a choice. You look out for yourself or you die, that's it. I can almost always find a reason why someone is doing something that has to do with their own well-being. So it tends to mystify me when I can't. But sometimes, mystified though I may be, I'm disarmed as well, unsure how to react. Unsure because I don't know if I could do something like that. Don't know if I could be that good, that kind.
I'm lazy as hell. I ask him to do so much, just 'cause I don't feel like doing it. He does it, smiling, hushes me when I apologize for being a lazy bitch, tells me he enjoys it. Then he comes back with that beautiful smile on his face, looking so happy to have done something silly and menial for me. I... god, I don't know what to say. I don't know how to begin to thank someone for doing something I'm not sure it's in my nature to be able to emulate. How can I understand this kindness, this simple goodness?
I know I'm not a nice person. I'm so far from being a good person that I can't even begin to comprehend good people. But that doesn't mean they don't fill me with pure awe. I gibber, I stammer, I gape. I want to ask why, but I know there's no answer. I can't even speculate on how I might repay such compassion, because I know I can't. All I can do--all I want to do when I encounter someone like this--is shelter them, take care of them, protect them, because on some level I believe that such true decency is an endangered thing, and the only way I can honor it is by preserving it from selfish people who would take advantage of it, preserving it from people like me.
I love you in my own way... though I wish I was a good enough person to repay you in kind for your infinite patience, your infinite kindness and tenderness, your unfailing smile. Maybe you'll teach me that, my angel. I think you've already made me a much better person than I was.
Labels: Brendon, Introspection, Love
posted by Rivaine # 6:16 PM 
