Yet another lovely voice from my past.
GOD DAMMIT WOULD YOU ALL JUST GO THE FUCK AWAY?!
I.... I'm going to scream at this person now, for a moment... everybody else can just turn their eyes away, it's.... not going to be pretty.
Listen... all I want in the world is to live my life as it's becoming now. My life is finally straightening itself out, I have the potential to be deliriously happy and satisfied for the rest of my days if I play my cards right... so please god why won't you leave me in peace to do it? Don't ask me, don't beg me, don't make me hurt you, because I will. I will strike at you and tear at you until you go away, because you have no place in this pretty picture I'm painting. Don't make me destroy everything that was ever fun about being with you. Don't make me hate you, and don't make me tell you that I hate you before you'll believe that I don't want you around! And don't--god DAMN IT DON'T say that you love me. DON'T SAY IT. You don't. You don't have any fucking clue what love is, if you did do you think I would have pushed you away so many times? You don't have any idea, and I told you that, I tried to be gentle with you because dammit I didn't want to hurt you, you're my friend and my best friend's cousin and we did have some good times. But we were never more than that, don't you understand that? How can you not understand that? I fucking told you that every time I--for some reason, for whatever reason--ended up in your bed. I told you that. I told you it didn't work between us, and you know it. You told me that once, don't you remember? We don't understand one another. You've known me for three years and you know what? You really don't know a damn thing about me. You've seen me naked but you couldn't tell me my middle name or what I want to do with my life. Because you've never asked. You just jump on me, every time. Is this your foundation for a goddamn relationship?
Go away. Just go away and leave me the fuck alone. Because now I'm not alone, now there's someone who loves me beyond all reason and beyond even these idiocies I stumbled into, and he's earned the right to say it. When he touches me it doesn't feel like a crime. It doesn't feel like I'm going to have to scrub my skin later and try to figure out why I let you do it. When he looks at me he sees me, not whatever image you've superimposed over my face so you can have my body without ever even knowing enough about the person you're touching to recognize them on the street. When he talks to me we have things to say, not just empty "making conversation" attempts that fall to nothing as soon as you get your goddamned hands on me. And you dare.... you fucking dare to call me, to wake me up at goddamned six in the morning when I'm wrapped around my soulmate's ghost, trying to bear the last six days until I can have him back, you dare to wake me and cry in my fucking ear, protest your goddamn love, beg me to come over. I should have destroyed you. I could have, do you realize that? I could have cut you apart with words alone, and I should have, for trespassing, for daring to think that you have some kind of claim on me and daring to think that gave you some right to come into my space, to disturb me in my quiet dreams and demand your share. I should have ripped you apart the way I wanted to. But I didn't. I was gentle, I was compassionate, I let you have your say and told you as many times as you needed to hear it that I didn't want you, that I didn't ever want anyone else but my man, my beautiful boy. How many times did you have to hear it? Ten, fifteen? You still didn't believe me, but I still didn't tear into you the way you deserved. I told you to say goodbye, I told you to go look elsewhere for someone to hang your obsession on. I didn't even hang up on you the way I was dying to. I let you finish and say goodbye all by yourself. And then I went back to sleep and had a nightmare that woke me up three hours later hyperventilating and convulsing with sobs in my sleep.
Brendon, save me.... don't ever let anyone else touch me, don't ever let them see me, don't ever let me know them again. It's times like this that I know what Rivaine wanted.... I wish you could pass your hand over my eyes and relieve me of the burden of knowing these names that weigh me down. I wish you could make me forget them, make me a wall of oblivious unknowing that their cries could never penetrate, and for all their grief, all they would get from me would be bewilderment.
Let me say this now and let it stand for all of my life, so that I remember never to do such a stupid thing as I did with Sebastian, and so that you know where I stand:
No one else, ever, no one anywhere in the world, no one I know now or will come to know, none of them except you has the right to touch me. None of them have earned that, and for every one of their hands that falls on me I feel my skin crawling and coming off, in patches, like something diseased. You give it back to me, you heal me... every touch of your hand is a bandage, a salve, a skin graft, making me whole again. You are the only pure, perfect, untainted soul in the world, and yours are the only hands that will ever lay on my body, ever again. I make you that vow now, although I know you know it already, and I don't even have to say it, I make it to you and to myself. I will never do such a stupid thing again. Lust isn't enough, I'll never let anyone make me believe that it is. No hands will ever touch me but yours. Forever.
Save me from them.... make them go away. Make me see only you.
Labels: Brendon, Missing You, Rants, Stress
posted by Rivaine # 11:43 AM 
