I've only been here a few days, but it feels like so much longer... one day runs into the next. I've already forgotten what day it is. As for time, I could tell you that it's afternoon, but beyond that it's anyone's guess.This place is so beautiful, always has been. I don't know if it gets more so every year or if my ability to appreciate it is rarified... but this time it is more amazing than ever before because now there's another pair of eyes for whom I'm making mental (and literal) snapshots. I look around like I've never been here before, because I want you to be able to look through my eyes.My computer broke down the first day, so I can't listen to any of my music, which is a blow... but it's always playing in my head. Song by song, things I remember... I get up in the morning and look out over the trees at the sun coming up out of the ocean, and "The Hague" plays as clear as the light. And I hear your strange music, gentle and true... singing inside me with the best parts of you, now that I'm here. I hope somewhere you hear them too... now that I'm here. I love you. Some days are harder... actually it's fruitless to count in days, it's more that some minutes are harder. I say something, or someone else says something, and I can hear your response, your laughter. I see something and I turn, I literally turn around to look at you, to point, to call, and the sinking feeling in my chest, like a sudden drowning sensation, when there's nothing behind me but my own footprints in the sand. But sometimes I look at the stars... and they were so amazing last night, so unspeakably astounding that I fell to my knees... sometimes I look at the stars and I can feel you laughing in my head... feel your joy, your wonder, your awe so great it's almost painful, welling up inside me. I dream and I see you there, a few steps ahead, a little shadowed now, and I can't quite catch up the way I used to, but still I haven't lost you. Still I never fall more than a few steps behind. Still I'm listening, and loving you for every word you say.Every day here I love you more. I feel myself and silence within me, and I love that, the silence, the peace, the solitude, and even as I rarify and refine my own spirit I feel it is coming closer to yours... like by shaping myself, smoothing my edges, clarifying my details, I make myself more capable of being part and parcel of the creature, the strong, beautiful creature we two make together. Something with four legs, four eyes, four hands for running and seeing and creating, something with two mouths for singing and shouting, something with strength of arm and limb and heart and mind to defeat anything... even this great grey beast of time and distance that tears at me day by day. I feel that I'm becoming more worthy of you and the miracle that you represent in my life... soon I'll be ready to receive it, my spirit large enough to encompass all that you give me without even knowing.

I'm watching, when I can. I'm keeping track of you. It feels like it's been so long already... and I will keep watch more often than either of us think. Tell me everything... everything you're thinking. I'm writing every day, in a notebook for you. Writing you every day, drawing, thinking and sending whispers with your name on them. Listen, my love. Listen and hear me and be comforted, as I'm comforted by your beautiful eyes and words and the feeling of you in my body and my mind with me, sharing my space, sharing my spirit, sharing my life, as you will always be. And tell me everything you're thinking, and you will have my answers, my comfort, my voice, whenever you wish them.

I love you... and when this moment passes I'll love you still more. Another breath, and more. I could watch it grow all day... but then I wouldn't be able to gather these moments, these snapshots, these pictures in a notebook for you. So I go, and walk, and swim, and watch, and collect things to bring back and lay at my lord's feet... some small repayment for the indescribable wonder you make out of my life.
Until next time, B, dreamer, lover, twin. It won't be long.

Judged: Good
QOR: 40% evil, 60% good.

Labels: Brendon, Introspection, Missing You