Hey you. Come here, give us a hug. Siddown, the cushy nest chair is free. You can look over my shoulder while I'm beetling and typing, if you want to. I'm so glad we got a chance to talk before I go.
What's new with you? Nah, that's what you always say. I wanna know, f'real. C'mon, you know I love you. Let's hear your story.
Yeah, so I got fired today. I don't really want to go into it... we can talk about it later. I'm not that upset, actually. I was at first... it's a blow, you know? Makes a girl feel like a bit of a fuck-up. Fortunately, practicality won over pouting, as it usually does. I thought a lot about ranting at Donna, telling her everything she really should be told but isn't because she'll fire whoever tells her. But I decided against it when I got there. Now, shut up, I did not wimp out or anything. This was a purely practical issue. That restaurant has a habit of rehiring people they've sworn never to rehire, and me, I'm not even on the "never ever again" list. In a year or so, if I'm hard up for a job, I'll be able to go back, and there won't be a problem. So long as I don't stick my foot in my mouth now. So I didn't. I accepted my check and Donna's self-righteous "I'm disappointed" speech, shook her hand, and left. Michelle and Rebekah hugged and kissed me, wished me luck and love. I'll miss seeing them every day, but I'll go by now and then and keep up with things.
So then I walked a block north and hit the B-Line, which is pretty much the same thing as Delectables except, I'm told, a little less messed up. Better food too. They've got a sign in the window saying they're looking for dishers. Ideally I'd like to get out of food service, but a job's a job, and while I will file that application with the Main library and such, the city isn't quite as on-the-ball about getting back to a person as the B-Line is. I walked up to the counter and asked for an application, and the girl there, whom I vaguely recognized as I vaguely recognize everyone who works on The Avenue, said, "Hey, you're Rhain, right?" I grinned--in the wake of Michelle and Rebekah's affectionate goodbyes, suddenly I was feeling pretty damn loved, and this just proved it. I filled out the application, gave it back. I don't want to jinx it, but I've got a good feeling about this one. Only thing that might hurt me is that I'm going to be gone this next month, can't start till June 24th. But if this falls through there are tons of places on The Avenue looking for people, and Brian and I can scatter our resumes to the four corners and hope for the best. I don't think it'll be that hard to find a job, not in this neighborhood, and not in midsummer when everyone is out of town. So I guess I'm feeling pretty optimistic about my prospects. I put Michelle as a reference--she'll treat me kindly. God, I love that woman. Gonna really miss them.

It got kind of overcast all of a sudden while I was walking home. It was a comforting thing... as someone from Seattle I find clouds and storms make me feel safe and warm. I crossed the street in the scorching wind, avoided getting mowed down by a couplea semis, jumped in the cold shower to drop my core temperature a few degrees. While I was in there I had a bit of an epiphany. Not any realization of information, but rather a sudden shift in feeling. I thought about my job, about getting another one, about living on my own. About being responsible. About deciding to hold my tongue and not burn my bridges with Donna. I thought about going to Mexico, and sorting out my brain, and having some good clean beachy fun, spending real time with my dearest friend whom I've missed so much this year. I thought about Sara wandering intermittently back into my life, and how I might--just might, if B carries on loving me and everyone carries on forgiving me, be able to forgive myself for what I did to her. I thought about Brian, and the way he talked last night... seems he had an epiphany of sorts as well. I couldn't help smiling--it was such a beautiful thing to hear from him. I thought about how part of me was waiting for the karmic backlash of this incredible thing with B, and I thought, "Okay. If my job is the price for him, I can pay that. It's not even anywhere near what him and his words and his love are worth." I cranked up the volume all the way and blasted "Beloved" on loop, and thought about B, about how naked and open we are with each other, how helpless, how vulnerable, and how beautiful we are together. I got out of the shower and I looked at myself in the mirror and for one of the few times in my life I thought the face I saw, just as it was, was beautiful. I could see how someone might love this, if this is what they see. I looked myself in the eye, thought about all the people I love and how the love fills every bit of me, and how I can help them and make them feel this way too, sometimes, and I winked at myself there. I knew.

I'm happy. I've never been this happy before in my life. And now, here's the difference: I know I'm not going to lose it, and I know I deserve it. I know that Katrina will always be with me, my anam cara, my lady forever and always. I know that Brian will be okay, and he will find his place. He's already found it, and I think he's realizing that. I know that B will be at my side all my life, and that between us there's nothing we can't do. That we can heal each other, and take care of each other, and take those things in each other that are wakening and being born, and carry them through, bring them to fruition. I know that I'm beautiful, that I'm strong and capable, and graceful when I want to be. That I have brains and dignity and integrity, that I can help and heal and touch. I know that I'm growing up, that I can stand on my own two feet and take responsibility for the things I do, and I'm not afraid of that. I know I can deal with what I get, that I can keep myself and my loved ones safe. I know, for sure and certain, that this world is opening before me like a flower, like a pomegranate, split at the top and then folded out, exposing red-heart seeds like jewels that stain like the devil. I know that it's mine and I can have it, with a little help from my friends, we can have this world and everything in and out of it. I know now, more than ever, that everything is going to be all right.

Young and blessed with wings, no heights can keep us from their reach. No sacred place we cannot soar. Still greater things burn within us. I don't regret the choices that I've made, and I know you feel the same.

My beloveds, do you know?
Of course you do.

Labels: Brendon, Brian, Introspection, Love, You